Friday, June 25, 2010

Considering my worth

As we returned home from Haiti I struggled with the ever present what is next. Jussi had returned to work, praise the Lord and so I found myself missing Haiti, Ft Jacques, containers and meeting people during distributions in the community. It is a good thing that when I am feeling sad sackish.  (not sure if that is a word) that I am able to repeat something I have used for many years...I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I found myself bumbling around and talking out loud.  Thankfully we live in the country because more often than not I am in conversations with God and I ask questions expecting an answer.   Of course one day I pray there is an audible voice booming from the heavens saying "Why do you always ask? Have I ever made the wrong choice for you?" LOL

I know without any doubt that love,  acceptance and a sense of safety are hardwired into us by the Lord. These are the very things that we seek the Lord for, and He is able to provide, but ultimately the root of all of our heart needs is to be valued. When we do not feel acceptance or self worth we question if we can really be loved, can we love in return? Can we feel safe if we do not feel accepted and loved? Does God ever question our worth? NO! You see because I need to be reminded that He sent His son to die for me, the measure of His love for me, Jesus died because He considered that I was worth dying for. How does that make me feel....like I have been kicked in the stomach. I sit home in my nice house with great friends and family and wonder if I am good enough. Stop the insaneness this is not yo yo thoughts, well maybe she is, well maybe she isn't. It is the unquestionable devotion and sacrifice that we...you and me...stand as proof that we are of infinite value to the creator of the universe. How thankful I am that we can visit Haiti, that He puts all the pieces together and we have been able to return four different times. I know that both Jussi and I and many others yearn to be back hugging babies, working at GLA and being able to share what God is doing in Haiti. Please pray for all of us, burdened but home in North America for a reason, and on God's time schedule. Some days I could jump on a plane and do something so crazy impulsive I would regret it and other days I can smile at memories, and then some days I am happy and content to be home here in Canada. No matter what kind of day I am having I know to rejoice in it and not allow the enemy to put self doubt, fear or worry in my head. I know God desires to be my emotional resource but He wants carte blanche...unlimited and no strings attached. Today my prayer is that each of you are reminded as I was that my self image needs to be rooted in Christ , because we are redeemed, beloved and holy children, and that nothing changes His opinion.

Haitian prayer...
Senye,
Nou remake ke pawol ou tankou yon tet chou.
Chak fey nou kase, nou pi pre ke a.
Tout tan nou pi pre ke a li pi dous.

Lord,
We find your word like a cabbage.
As we pull down the leaves we get closer to the heart.
And as we get closer to the heart, it is sweeter.

Draw into the word...C

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