As an adult, life takes many turns and it was in June of 2005 when God showed me a side of me, that I had buried for many years. I was living in a society that valued independence, I was assertive, I affirmed myself by saying I was good parent, friend and wife. I was externally compliant to the call of God, serving in ministries of the church but not allowing myself to see the depth of the Father's desire for my life. As a footnote it was most likely because it scared me. I was comfortable, had a good job, nice house, two kids and a dog.
At that time, I suppose I gave God lip service and said I would go to Haiti, but only for three weeks and with a guarded heart. Deep down I knew God was calling us to much more, but I was unwilling to speak out loud what my inner burdens were because I was afraid.
What God was calling me too was a attitude of expectation, of anticipation, of longing for something more. Today our pastor preached from Luke 2, I was listening to the story of hope, the story of anticipation of something so much more than a baby being born...the story of a Messiah. I was taken back to the old testament and the hope in Isaiah 66. That a humble person would have reverence for God's messages and their application to life vs my worldly person and my rights. Was I the worldly person? Was I allowing my freedoms and rights of society to chose my path or was I humbling myself to allow God to chose my path. I was writing like crazy and listening with one ear (sorry Pst. Scott) to the message of burdens and I realized the thoughts the verses Pst Scott was sharing intersected for me. I wanted to allow God to constantly burden me with HIS burdens, I wanted my internal compliance to be evident in the external physical side of me doing. I wanted more of Him and less of me. I wanted to question my every choice...was I allowing Him to lead or questioning "why"(see I was listening). I did not want to be the person in church that the decision was made by obedience, I wanted my decisions to be made because I got to. My decision to participate in what He has called me to do, needed to be "Yippee, look what He has for me now" ..a decision to not be the audience, but the name on the billboard of heaven, under servants heart. I am so thankful for the supportive church family we have, the supportive praying family and friends. I know God has called us to the mission field, and so I wait, anticipating, expecting, with promise, trust and assurance and happy to see the blind faith of the gangly kid of my childhood return! Lookout 2011..I can't wait!