Friday, January 25, 2013

Do You Like It Here?

Do you like it here? Yes, that is one of the questions our girls get asked often. Each time they do, I want to say, can you qualify that and ask if they are happy they left everything behind, or if they like the cold and snow or merely how is it going with the new parentals?
Honestly,  I hope my kids are ok with my stink eye look chased by a "put on" smile.
That is like asking me while having a vaginal exam...Do you like it here? well not really, thanks for the small talk!
Ok having a vaginal exam is a lot easier than what our girls had to go through, but it creates just as awkward as a position. A moment ago when the visual popped into your mind as you were reading, I can imagine others thinking  'eeewww, creeper" then after replaying the comment in your head, maybe calling a friend, to ask...am I wrong to think that was a weird question? You still felt it intrusive, or too intimate a question. But you had a choice to answer and you can change your circumstances.
Our girls on the other hand, spend copious amounts of time, putting up with people asking them questions about a time in their short lives that was hurtful, possibly blocked out and maybe even triggering a moment of grief, without the ability to change the circumstances.
Now, well meaning Jo Blow did not mean to ask something like that, they just did.  Plus our girls have great friends that were adopted from the same place, and they have us, older siblings and they love chatting but not about hurt, or how to answer stupid questions or why they had to be adopted. Our girls just want to fit in, they just want to play with their friends and most of all they want to be normal and not look different. Looking different brings up questions, and it brings up feelings. And yes them looking different than us, was our choice!
But for the record, my girls always answer yes, although it is often subdued and/or without expression.
Do they wish they were home in Kinshasa with their extended familyYES!, Do they wish they didn't have to be adopted YES! Are they happy in their new family, YES,  but they would have rather kept everything the same, then worlds away where everything is different.  One day when they get older, they will see it differently but for now, everything was good in their easy to retrieve memories, and the darkest deepest parts of their hearts and heads know a different story, that with remembering will one day bring  healing and resolution, peace and conclusion. So my last point is..

In order to like something you have to be thankful for it. Appreciate it.

No my girls do not have to be thankful, they are not lucky and it doesn't matter if they love me. I am thankful, lucky,  and love them enough for both of us.

So here is the life application so to speak...
Please do not ask if they like it here, ask them what they like to do here.
Do not ask them if where they are from, ask them what part of town they live in now.
Do not ask them if they know how lucky they are, remind them how lucky we are as their parents.
Do not ask them if they are sisters, compliment them and say what a great help the oldest must be to me.
Don't ask them what languages they speak, tell them what great English they have.
Dont's ask them to hug you, rock paper scissors them for a high five or low five, or better yet, tell them to hug mommy and daddy every day because they really need lots of hugs.
Don't ask them if being in Canada makes them happy, remind them, that them being in Canada makes you happy!

It takes a village and we are so thankful for all those that surround us!

2 comments:

  1. Amen sistah, excellent! well done. You are such and awesome mom, and you are so blessed to have those little pumpkins. xoxo looking forward to our first in person vizzy, don't worry, I will make sure Mr.W reads the blog!

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  2. Hey,
    There is a new Facebook group for Canadians adopting internationally!
    https://www.facebook.com/groups/249733911824938/?fref=ts
    Would be great if you joined!

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