Thursday, March 7, 2013

Behind Closed Doors

For a million reasons I have put off this post, mostly because once it is open the internet is on there forever and I like to think that if things are left unexposed they gradually diminish or reconcile over time. I don't think this is a season; I think this maybe the new normal.

I am not saying that I am having a major relationship crisis or that I am actually an axe murderer but a simple difference in how we are "outside the door" and how we are "behind the door."

I recently read a devotion on being a godly wife, mother, friend, grandma, get the picture....the list is endless and so is the task.

I can't do it all!

If you catch me on a good day I might be doing well at three or if you catch me on a Friday I am probably sitting on one, maybe two. If I am rested, and the sun is shinning, my kiddos are busy, I can probably hit four; but I struggle day in and day out with trying to do it all.

And with trying to do it all, comes the feeling of unworthiness, and guilt. I often self talk myself and say it is ok to be riding on a hope and prayer LOL

I am not looking for sympathy or someone to say you are doing a great job, yep I am doing a great job and I know the place I am in.  I am talking about general day to day, reminders of what has to be done, who has God placed on my heart and needs a text sent to, which one of my bigs am I ignoring this week, because frankly my littles keep me hopping. Oh and by the way, the guy who goes to work every morning, yes he is in there, just down the list for no other reason other than he gets it, and has the same struggles. Thankfully he loves me unconditionally and never asks for me to give only to him. He may ask what I did all day (inserts sarcastic face)  but that is another post LOL

Outside the door, I meet people all the time, and everyone always remarks how beautiful the girls are, how thankful we must be, how far they have come, and a handful of other feel good chit chat, at which time, I answer honestly, yes they are, yes we are, and yes they have. Easy, but the real truth is, it is still hard every day.

International adoption takes it toll, the wait is a huge emotional roller coaster that will take years to recover from. I liken it to pregnancy weight loss, some people will walk away and be back to normal, upon meeting their child, some will do a very rigorous exercise or self care program and bounce back after six months, and some will struggle for years. I am not sure where we are yet. Time will tell.

My life is busy and I would not have it any other way but the face of "wow she looks like she is doing it all" and the face of "wow she looks great" (ok i added that one to make myself feel good lol) those faces are all because I am on the outside of the door. Catch me on the inside of the door and you may see a women who has not brushed her hair, is not wearing a bra, has not showered, had floss a few months ago and now can't find it,  loves coffee  re warmed a gazzillion times, is playing puzzles on the floor and wiping away the dirt so the pieces sit straight.

The other me behind closed doors is the parenting me...yes,  I am not perfect. You know the sweet honey voice, I use outside the door when I say..."are you making a good choice right now, we need to think about good choices" is the same women on the other side of the door that is saying "seriously, what the heck are you doing???? possibly in my "loud" voice. I might even follow with "PLEASE" "help me out here, I am trying to make dinner, answer the phone, deal with a kitten who has miraculously been put in the dishwasher, making the culprit bleed and scream for a band aid and a husband that is asking where the nail clippers are? Yep, my life. Love every last minute of it.

So the next time you see me, get a visual of the real me...
-the me that cannot cook like other moms do on Pintrest and if I did, everyone would ask where the dry potatoes and beef is, followed by can we have gravy tonight.

- the real me, that quite possibly is driving the oldest child to the bus in her morning clothes, sans undies, yellow gumboots, and a toque because the hair has yet to be brushed

- the real me that lets a 4 and 7 year old play hair dresser with daddy so I can finish the dishes and then just hack off with a number two blade the rest of the hair

- the real me that told said youngest child if she can at least make it around the grocery store without taking off an item of clothing I will give her a candy, yes i bribe and yes those the same clothes she wears all week (favourite clothes make for happy dancing)

- the real me that arrives at church with spiffy looking kids, haphazard clothes on the man...he has to dress himself, (insert smiley face here) the same outfit I possibly wore last Sunday, because outfit repeating is for the those that remember that they actually wore it, I cant remember the day before let alone the week before

-the real me that sifts through Value Village like a woman possessed, comes up with a deal, and dashes back to the car, with the child that is putting up a good fight about the glittery shoes two sizes too small that were left at the till

- the real me that uses a swifter...the one that chases the floor dust up onto the other surfaces because I hate to vacuum

- the real me that crashes into bed at night, with a smile, a prayer and plan for the next day that will rarely come to fruition.

Yep that is the real me...I am a mom, that without the grace of God would not survive each day but the mom that is ok, to say "I don't have it all together and what you see is what you get" A final laugh, the other day I looked in the rear view mirror (after re attaching it from the hands that tried to see if it would hold them up in the dash) and saw my ear lobes. They had AGED, I mean really aged, when did they hang low???  is that what the song is about??? were my earring just too heavy??? no my lobes had aged. Don't ask about the rest of the body, so I may have to go to pearls, quite simply, who knew?

PS. To my bigs I do apologize because when you were little I really cared what other people thought so the getting out the door in the morning was stressful. I apologize that I made you wear matching socks, in addition to the many Colleenisms,  hopefully you have received therapy.

PSS To my littles, I love you guys so much, thank you for bringing "life" to our family, what a incredible gift you both are!To the man in my life, I could not imagine this any other way, well maybe with ten million dollars and your personal helicopter but this is what we have!

PSSS to my friends and family, thank you for being a part of our lives,

and when finishing this blog post, my littlest decided to dump a bag of coin rollers and elastics...proceeded to put elastics on her feet like shoes, and rocks from my planter attached with elastic as she banged around the hard wood floor, the dog slept with his ears open because life is never boring and the cat crawled into a box for safety from the man eating dishwasher....jealous of my life, I bet you are!



  1. Sounds so familiar! We're in this for the long haul. I, too, would like to apologize to my Bigs for caring what other people thought and for being so rigid about certain stupid little things.

    You're a good mom!!!

  2. You're just a women, a mother....
    Don't try yo be something else...
    XOXO from France

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