Monday, April 15, 2013

Just a normal day or is it?

Today I was preparing a blog story that was emotional and brought tender moments mixed with guilt, mixed with happiness, shaken with a little worry, and then sprinkled with retrospect. I was going to write a blog about how I had attached to the girls and how I could see the things in their lives and the connections of our lives. Most that I didn't think possible, because I never really sat down and reminded myself they are mine!

I loved them with such an intensity that I thought I would burst if someone stole my moment or interrupted my thoughts. But they didn't, no one did. I just always worried about what if's. Why do these thoughts of worry and guilt still come to me?

I am not perfect, I know worrying is a sin, thankfully there is grace. Did I worry before they came home? Yes, more than I would admit.
Did I worry that things would never be the same, or right when the first few months were rough? You bet.
Do I worry about them missing out on being with their first family, in their birth cultural?  Yes all the time, I wish they didn't have to suffer such a tremendous loss in order to be part of our family. But again thankfully there is grace. I just needed to do the Jussi thing and break each piece of the puzzle down and see how it works.

I sometimes wonder if I am alone in my thoughts, if other adoptive parents grieve for the children, the losses they have suffered? Do you?

Am I the only one, that only has to go into my thoughts and my heart space to think, mostly because my life is so busy now LOL.   If I had to, I would tear any person limb from limb, if they even considered hurting my kids. I had the momma bear attitude, I knew that much.
They have blessed our family, taught us so much, and most of all, showed us that when God has a plan, we can trust that it was right and good.

We have made mistakes in our parenting, as most everyone probably has done. We can look back at the lessons that we have learned and see the path that some decisions created a bigger mess. We kept on swimming through the tough days, we all learned forgiveness, and the power of unity. Ultimately have we become a family? YES!

Behind the guilt of taking them away from everything they ever knew, mending and filling a space for the first family that shines and is healthy, we have created a safe space. A haven for change without judgement, a place of firm, fair and consistent expectations. A loving family, that understands.

Am I batting a 1000, no sir, but I now see the little personalities and the cues that say I am tired and need a break. I see the cues, that I need a hug, I see the cues that say, I am thinking about something, and it is important to me. I see the signs of trying to pull a fast one on me, of a tall tale, of negotiation and the drawbacks for crying wolf. I know now what makes them tick. Imagine what life would look like if we could know all these things the day our kiddos come home!

Nine months home and there is not a single bone in my body that is not attached to these two and not one in theirs. We are a unit, we think of the same ideas, and we often say the same answer at exactly the same time. Woven with love, tried with patience, and strengthened because of mountains we climbed together.

Sometimes the tough things that happen in our lives, put us directly in the path for the best things. None of this would be possible, none of this would have made sense without knowing in faith that God had called us to a parenting encore. There was never, are we supposed to be here? It has been a ride, a journey, and thankfully the paths have been made easier to climb, the mountain slopes, sure and steady, the turns, obvious because of where we have been. Thankful is an understatement, at peace, yes, tired of worrying, you bet and praying for time to slow, so we don't miss a thing.  Because of Him, we are a family, because of Him, together in one home, because of Him, humbled at His grace and thankful for His provision.

From Isaiah 40..NIV and Message

He tends his flock like a shepherd:
    He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
    he gently leads those that have young.... 
He doesn’t care what happens to me”?
Don’t you know anything? Haven’t you been listening?
God doesn’t come and go. God lasts.
    He’s Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn’t get tired out, doesn’t pause to catch his breath.
    And he knows everything, inside and out.
He energizes those who get tired,
    gives fresh strength to dropouts.
For even young people tire and drop out,
    young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.
    They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don’t get tired,
    they walk and don’t lag behind.

Some of the great things happening lately....
First time to hear their big brother sing!
And Yep! we are going to be grandparents again! 

Mr. R our oldest grandson turned 7 shown here with our Granddaughter his big sister

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